Sunday, October 21, 2007

The Reason I Am the Way I Am

I usually don't point fingers, but I'm gonna.

I find it extremely tiresome to listen to someone moan and groan and bitch and wail about their divorce in 1990. I worked with a woman who was married for a short time, divorced for ages with no kids and she STILL talks about the moron. I wanted to Cher scream, "SNAP OUT OF IT!" at her. She didn't have to deal with him at all. My ex is the bane of my existence. No matter what kind of shithead your ex is, for your children's sakes, you must hold it together.

I was divorced in 2001, which is painfully at the edge of needing to shut the hell up about it already. Except I have one excuse: my ex still can't leave me alone. He controlled and manipulated and bullied me for 15 years and he just can't stop. I am his Lay Potato Chip.

I would like share excerpts of his emails. I've heard that one could sue me for slander for posting these gems, but who in the hell in their right mind would own up to writing them?? I feel I'm safe.

"(blah, blah, blah....) I told you, told you that this is what happens when you override my authority and my right to say no. I TOLD YOU. You allow them (the kids)the anonymity of hiding behind email where they can say anything they want with no repercussions. Then you sit back in your cozy bubble and insist everything is fine. How can you be so ignorant? (blah, blah, blah) You allowed this to happen by going against me. Now you have created a Monster. (blah, blah, blah) What the Hell!"

I know you want more. It's like watching a show you wish would never end --

"blah, blah, blah...) I wonder who's best interest is really served here. I will not agree to any further meetings with your (he means the kids') doctors. As long as You are in the picture I will never get a fair shake in dealings with my Children. (blah, blah, blah...) If this is what helps you sleep at night, how sad."

In the immortal words of John Lennon: "I could listen to him for hours." So I'll give you the piece de resistence:

"You are Pitiful. (blah, blah, blah...) Why don't you focus on your own relationships? Advancing age will treat you much better if you do."

Now I know these are taken out of context -- and he has a capitalization problem, but you get the drift. My lawyer contends he's more of a nuisance than a bona fide whack job, but I'm tired of getting slagged through the mud. And so are my kids. He sends crap like this even to Erin, who is only 11.

And I know what you are thinking: if I'm such a bad mother, why hasn't he done anything about me? Why isn't he suing me for custody? Why isn't he taking the kids to counselors and social workers to help them instead of me taking them? Because he's a self-centered, egotistical bully, that's why.

But haven't we crossed the "what is acceptable and what isn't acceptable" line yet? I mean do ex-husbands have to come and physically beat you before anyone thinks a line has been crossed? I don't know. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I don't get it. Maybe I'm supposed to take it and the kids are supposed to deal with him and when they are 18 they can do what they want. Sean hit 17 and was done. My poor Erin has at least 6 more years....and that father/daughter relationship is so fraught with angst anyway.

All I have to say is -- choose wisely when you marry and have children. And if you haven't chosen wisely, get the hell out. But be prepared. Abusers have a very hard time letting go.


Nicole said...

Verbal abuse is harder to pinpoint than physical abuse. (I've been down that road, too.) There's no bruising, no broken bones. But it's just as disruptive and hurtful in its way.

Personally, I would have a serious discussion with your lawyer and see if there is any way that you can get your ex to stop. Taken out of context or not, the content of those e-mails are not the type of thing that should be sent to anyone, much less one's 11-year-old daughter. And if you are not the only recipient of such hate-mail, all I can say is that it's good you got out when you did, and I just hope that your kids are able to get out as well.

colleen said...

There will come a time when the kids are grown when there will be no reason to interact with him. Ah peace.

Shannon said...

I have minimized all contact with my ex. I have full custody and he only gets her twice a month (weekends) so we can avoid contact. I will say it did get easier with time (I left him around 2002, this time of year). I loved being a single mom for five years, it was a wonderful time for my girl and me, that's for sure. We grew so much closer.
I feel for you and hope it gets easier.

No Nonsense Girl said...


What a POS than man is. I know about abusive relationship and wanted to let you know that I'm happy to hear you got out of it. I'll keep you in my thoughts...

You are a good mother!