Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Letting It All Hang Out...

...as they used to say when an emotional airing was necessary. I know I haven't posted much lately. Life seems to have seriously gotten in the way. My hands are full with just getting through every day....one hour at a time.

Previously, I sort of touched on the "darker" side of my life. Depression, anxiety, WAM...that stuff. I never really went into my relationships...or the things that I struggle with everyday. The stuff that makes me sit on a PhD's couch every Tuesday at 12:15pm.

First, my darling daughter Erin has ADHD. Now I believe she does have it, but I think the fires are fanned by the repression of the expression of anger. I'll explain in a minute.

Second, my wonderful son Sean is clinically depressed at 17. He's made some bad choices and is making more bad ones, and I think my terrific son is struggling partially because of the repression of the expression of anger. And the fact I leaned on him way, way too much post divorce. More than I ever realized until this came up.

Ok. The anger issue. My kids don't express anger well. Sean punches walls and has torn up his bedroom door. He doesn't like to be home and is like a caged animal when he is...just looking for a way out. The farther he pushes himself away from home, the worse choices he makes. In Erin's case, her ADHD kicks in. She bounces off the walls, pulls things out from everywhere without replacing them, makes a mess everywhere and just keeps on moving.

Why the anger issue? They have been exposed to extremes. With WAM (their dad), anger was an explosive outburst that no person I know of has ever been able to handle. You get mad at Dad? Oh, boy.....he can get lots louder and lots angrier...plus he's older and stronger and supposed to be a role model. Also, there was never a time when you felt you were going to make any headway. He just got angrier than you...and made sure that he would win under any and all circumstances.

With me...in trying to keep a very low profile, calm house after WAM was out, I perpetuated that anger wasn't allowed. I thought I was doing what was best for the kids, but it backfired. And compounded with the fact that both kids are protective of me anyway because of my heart attack, well, no one can get anger out.

So....it comes out in other ways. Erin's ADHD, Sean's caged animal depression.

We are all in counseling now. And I realize I have alot of work to do if I'm going to be able to send my kids out into the world as whole human beings. I hope I'm not too late.

3 comments:

JaniceNW said...

Oh honey, I am positive you acted in a way you considered best. We just wing our way through parenting doing the best we can. Please don't beat yourself up about this. It can be moderated and directed in a more positive manner. Your kids will be better from the couseling and so will you.

I am a big believer in never too late!!! HUGS!

No Nonsense Girl said...

Lara,

It's never too late to fix stuff. You acted the best you could/knew to do. Counsellings will help and you guys will get better.

((((((gentle and safe hugs)))))))

Zenmomma said...

I came over here from a Thursday Thirteen link. I agree with the others that it's never too late to have a happier healthier life. Best wishes for you all!