Sunday, September 30, 2007

Bad Mother Of The Year Award

BAD MOTHER of the year AWARD goes to:

Runners up: Britney Spears, Michael Jackson

Grand prize winner: Lara Angelina Harrison


“Thank you all for this wonderful recognition of my talents. And to be in such company as Britney and Michael…well, I’m literally speechless.

“I’d like to say, for the record, that my ex-husband has always believed in my gift of bad mothering. For nearly 12 years, he reminded me constantly of my inability to properly parent the fruits of my womb. And here before you, I proudly acknowledge that nearly the entire planet agrees with him. Thumbs up, WAM!

“It’s taken years of fucking things up to get to this point. It’s taken years off my life, hairs off my head and added layers of rubber tire fat – the kind that gives you diabetes and makes you die. It’s also given me chronic insomnia and a fairly intimate relationship with panic disorder. Sure, it’s sacrifice. But well worth it if you wish to become as bad a mother as I am.

“Of course I’ve heard that my son is wonderful with children. He works at an afterschool day camp for grammar school kids. They call him ‘Mr. Sean’ and follow his 5’10” frame around like he’s Hans Christian Anderson. I also know that my neighbors call him to sit their kids and they love him. Fine – he trustworthy, respectful, helps around the house, is devoted to his music, helps with his sister, goes to the library to read, but for heaven’s sake woman: HE’S DROPPED OUT OF HIGHSCHOOL! I know. Thank you. I couldn’t have done it without my instinct for bad mothering.

“Let’s just, for now, get past the point that he wants to take his GED and start college earlier….let’s focus on the fact that my bad mothering has fostered his irresponsibility toward high school. Ok? After all, isn’t BAD MOTHERING what this is all about?

“I could, of course, continue to list my other accomplishments with my daughter, Erin. At 11, she is growing into a beautiful young girl, and I know will continue to make me proud of my bad mothering. I’m hoping that in the future, I will be standing before you again, accepting the BAD MOTHER AWARD in honor of the job I’ve done with Erin.

“Thank you again…..and good night.

Oh, and by the way, cast your vote tonight – I’m also up for ‘Most Wish-Washy Christian Not Yet Living In Hell’, ‘The Worst Ex-Wife On The Planet Earth’ and ‘The Most Unworthy of Anything Good That Ever Comes to Her’. Thank you again.”


JaniceNW said...

I know exactly how you feel as Keenan dropped out end of January last year. It's his life and his decision.

HUGE HUGS and mucho empathy.

colleen said...

I can think of many young people here who didn't take to school and homeschooled and/or got GEDs.

By the way on our recent vacation to Virginia Beach, we ate at a restuarant that played only Beatle music and they had signed memoribilla, gold records and etc. It was like a Beatle museum. We asked and learned that the owner got the stuff at an auction. It looked to be priceless to me.

Moondancer said...

If it helps to know I dropped out if HS and three years later went back to get my diploma.


Jenny McB said...

I worked 4 long years in a high school, with 3 of those years as an Academic Support teacher. I worked with sped students and students at risk and I can honestly say that HS is not for everyone. If your son is working and wants to take the GED, he sounds motivated. You did okay and quit hogging the award, there's a lot of us out there. He sounds fine, it's your ex that sounds like a loser!!!!!

Janet said...

Glad he pulled through! Just think, all of his therapy bills will start with this small moment. Way to go!