Wednesday, December 24, 2008

And I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues.....

The holidays. I know. Empty for some, hectic for others. Lonely for some, too many people for others. Me? Right now, I’d be happy if I never had to see anyone until next Sunday, when Anne and I are going to the movies to see Don Draper in “The Day The Earth Stood Still”.

Depressed? I guess. Christmas blahs? Maybe. Tired of the commercialization? Not really – you either get what Christmas is about or you don’t.

Christmas’s when I was younger were smaller, quieter affairs after my grandparents, aunt and cousin moved to California in the early 60’s. It was usually me, my mom and dad and the family pets. A nice Christmas eve dinner and gifts, then usually a viewing of “The Quiet Man” on WGN.

We never went all that crazy at Christmas. My dad worked Christmas Eve until 2, then went to this higher end girls’ and women’s clothing store and bought one gift for my mom and one gift for me before they closed at 4. No cheapskate he, it was usually a cashmere sweater or a wool blazer or a silk blouse or something that set him back a pretty penny even though he was only buying two things. My dad taught me quality over quantity always.

Christmas Day we sometimes went to visit friends, sometimes we just stayed home. It didn’t matter to me. I had my stuff from Santa, my cat, a safe place to lay my head, parents who loved me. I was fine.

I was fine even after my parents died because I had small kids to plan for. I always tried to spend some time alone at Christmas in memory of my parents. I had my boo-hoo, then got right back up and made things nice for my family.

I’m not exactly sure why – maybe because the kids are older, maybe because I’m older, maybe because I’m tired of holding everything together through a bad marriage, a horrible divorce, illnesses – but I need to find a place to lay my head once again. I’m not sure what that means right now. My heart is tired, my soul is old. The body and spirit are both weak.

As I’ve believed and been told numerous times, All Things Must Pass. Nothing is permanent. It’s temporary. But is it temporary in the space of a lifetime or temporary in terms of the entire history of the universe? Since God is infinite and limitless, does He understand that temporary to ME might be a lot different than temporary to HIM?

I’ve been blessed with many, many things. Don’t get me wrong. I am extremely grateful for my friends and children; my job, my home, the pets who have warmed my lap over the years. I’ve tried to maintain a perky outlook on life because I’m basically an optimistic person and believed George Harrison. And I’ve sometimes struggled to keep my head afloat – but somehow I did.

I’m just not sure I can do it anymore. This isn’t like a suicide shout. This is like an admission that life and reality have chewed me up and spit me out. Will I ever laugh again? Yes. Will I enjoy life? Perhaps. But me and life have had a running showdown and I lost. To be completely fair, I gave it a good run for its money.

1 comment:

linda said...

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Joyce

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