Saturday, May 19, 2007

Sneak peak into the past

Considering my previous post, you may be asking when I found the time to get to the health club. This decision was part of a 6-month contemplation phase. (Yeah, more like 6 years, but let’s get past that). Do I get up at 6 am and turn on LifeTime television and perky Denise Austin? Oh, dear god. No offense to Denise, but I can’t take that at 6 am. I know my ex-husband had told me that I was an expert in excuses not to exercise…that I was weak, no backbone, no willpower. But truly, it’s not that I have an aversion to exercising in the morning…I just believe in conserving your energy as much as possible before the kids get up and start ruining your day. That, and the fact that I had a heart attack in the morning (I was only 41 at the time...I'll explain later) and have some left-over angst in that area. If my heart rate gets above 80 before 9 am, I’m running for Xanax and Nitrostat.

Perhaps now would be a good time to explain the ex-husband thing.

My ex-husband had a long, long, very long history of bad behavior. I said “I do” and he said “I own her now.” One of my very first memories of being married revolves around car repair. My car needed maintenance. I called the dealership where I normally had taken it and made an appointment to bring the car in for service. I asked Mason (the ex) to meet me at the service department so he could then drive me back home. That was agreeable.

I left the car with the clerk, turned to Mason (aka "WAM", which I'll explain later) and realized something had set him off. I don’t know what it was. It could have been that he was “disrespected” by the service attendant. It could have been that he had been cut off in traffic on the way over. It could have been the woman at work didn’t answer his request in a timely manner. I don’t know. What I also didn’t know at this point is that it had nothing to do with me, but I was a newly-wed and figured this time was supposed to be the golden highlight of my life and our relationship. I mean, when was it gonna get better than newly married?

Anyway, for some unknown reason, an argument started. Back then, I was ….. well, different. More self-protective, more willing to speak up for myself, unafraid and mostly unaware of what anyone could do to me. He started yelling at me and I carried the conversation outside. I, of course, was at first perplexed. Then I realized he was pretty out of control over something that was probably pretty ridiculous, if I could remember what the hell it was.

It was dark outside, there was really no sidewalk, just a path worn in the grass in front of the dealership. When I realized this was going to get ugly, I told him to get away from me; to leave me alone, that I was walking to my parents’ house, which was probably 7 or 8 miles away. I didn’t care. I wanted to get away from him and his rage. However, he had other ideas of which I had no clue at that point. That idea, I came to discover, was that NO ONE LEAVES HIM. NO ONE TURNS THEIR BACK TO HIM. TO DO THESE THINGS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE IS NOT ALLOWED.

So he started to pull my arm and yell in my face to the point that I was utterly terrified. I was frozen. One section of my brain knew husbands do not treat their wives like this. My father never raised his voice to my mother, ever. WAM was swearing and yelling and I just wasn’t hearing him anymore. I grew more petrified as his rage increased and I knew I had to do something before he hit me.

My brain was spinning and I was more scared of him that I had been of any human being ever……so I urinated on myself and fell in a heap of hysterical crying.

No. This is true. But don’t worry, he apologized. Said it would never happen again, was so, so, so sorry, took me to K-Mart and ran in to get me a pair of sweatpants so I could change out of the wet jeans (size 7) that I was wearing. He was beside himself with horror at what he had done and what had happened. Really. He was so sorry.

Then I made my very first mistake. I believed him.

Let me backpeddle a bit. I was no 19 year old babe in the woods when I met and married WAM. I was 29 when we tied the knot. I was living on my own, very happily, working, going out with friends, taking trips when I could afford it – Hawaii (to hunt down Tom Selleck - hey, it was the 80's), Las Vegas so see the shows. I dated. I enjoyed myself. I met WAM and I don’t know what happened. I thought he was a nice guy. But know you, my Dad never liked him. Didn’t voice it too much, but didn’t like him. My Mom sort of remained quiet on the subject, simply stating if I was happy, she was happy. Here’s another little piece of information: if your parents don’t like your intended, take a VERY LONG look at what you're are doing.

More later ... my psychologist wants lunch.

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