Saturday, November 3, 2007

What Have I Done -- Parts 1 and 2

Is it hormones? Is it menopause? Is it the looming specter of empty nest syndrome? Or is it a woman who, after surviving an abusive marriage with the help of dear friends and 6 years of psychotherapy, has finally starting rediscovering who she is and what she wants to do?

I don't know. The flip side shouts that perhaps the meds aren't working as they should.

But over the last week, I've done some fairly uncharacteristic things. And I have more in the works. I'm relatively free of my ex, although those emails still keep coming in, which I will share with you again soon, I have a good job that I like, I have dear, true friends, my kids are growing into healthy adults. Sure the shit hits the fan and I take a nose dive, but I'm starting to do things just for me. I do have leftover Ex baggage which manifests itself in my little voice telling me I can't, I shouldn't, I'm not smart enough, I'm not organized enough, I don't have the time, the stress will make me eat more, eating more will make me fat-ter....etc. You get the point.

But I've stopped listening -- most of the time.

I didn't listen when I signed up to participate in NaNoWriMo ( which is National Novel Writing Month. 50,000 words in 30 days. I've done 1324 words as of today and have no idea what else I am going to type! I'm looking forward to the challenge and just hoping I can make it to 30,000 words. I'd be happy with that! There's always next year!

Then, I signed up through the Manilow Fund for Health and Hope ( to attend a charity event next year which includes a "how do you do" with Mr. Manilow himself. I saw the ticket on line, I waited 48 hours, a ticket was still available and I took it. I can't believe I did it. It so isn't "me".

But I've decided these things -- NaNo and Manilow -- are good things. I'm breaking free of the victim I was and seeing things through totally different eyes. Don't get me wrong -- it's taken a long time to get here. A Long Time. But it is so worth it.

For any of you healing from abusive relationships, get therapy. Talk to your friends. Don't isolate yourself. Try new things. Realize you are going to backpeddle sometimes, but that's ok. Progress will be made.

You are worth every single thing you do for yourself -- silly or not!


No Nonsense Girl said...

I totally know what you are referring to. (the fact that life is possible after abuse)

I agree wholeheartly, the person I am today is the shadow of what I have been.

I love to read you and read your journey.

You go girl!!! There is hope and life and happiness possible after abuse (no matter from whom)...

Sky is the fucking limit, there is nothing impossible to someone who believes in themselves and does everything to be HAPPY!

You deserve the happiness sweetie. I am sorry for the pain you endure, I am sorry you were hurt but it makes me soo freaking happy to read you and read the courage and joy and hope coming from your posts!!!

With much love, peace and joy!!! I'm proud of you, you are awesome!!!!!

Nicole said...

It sounds like you are moving in the right direction. It's not an easy road to walk, but at least you've found that you don't have to walk it alone. I think that step is the hardest part. I'll be pulling for you.

And great job so far with NaNo! It's insanity, but it's FUN insanity!

Boatwoman said...

Keep up the great work Lara. Having come from a verbally abusive marriage of 20 yrs, I can vouch that it is possible to move on and more importantly to survive.