Sunday, July 8, 2007

Here's Some Good News


Yes, menopause.

There CAN be good news about menopause and I'm going to share it with you.

#1 -- You can personally give first hand reviews on all the personal lubricants available in any pharmacy, on line store or sexy lingerie outlet. This includes, but is not limited to: warming, not warming, scented, not scented, massage-able and not massage-able, gel vs. cream, gel vs. oil, cream vs. oil. I'm offering a Readers' Digest version of the instructions for all products for only a small copying fee. Why experiment when I've done the work for you? I mean, unless you want to.

#2 -- You FINALLY realize why you have children. You can send your teenager into the drugstore to purchase 2 bottles each of: Clearasil, Stridex, blackhead removal strips and acne scrub. One for them and one for you.

#3 -- You can sympathize with your man. For the first time in your life, you realize it's your hair clogging up the drain and not your significant other's. My hair is falling out of my head like the leaves off the autumn trees. You begin to acknowledge that losing your hair does suck -- and you offer to go to the store to purchase Rogaine for your man, and lookey there, there's stuff for women too. Will wonders never cease.....? Who knew?

#4 -- You will meet a very important person in your life. Your opthamologist. Not optometrist -- but opthamologist, who is an eye MD. You notice that when you wake up, your brain is functioning, but your eyes are superglued shut. Any attempt to open them feels like you are in the Sahara with 80 MPH winds directed at your face. The explanation is that like everything else on your entire body (except your facial oil glands) your eyes are drying up as well. You will be introduced to the concept of eye drops 2x a day, and a great eye gel you use at night when once inserted, gives you ZERO visibility for 6 hours.

#5 -- You will be able to witness and be a part of "The Great Debate". To HRT or to not HRT? To Bio-identical or to not Bio-identical? Do I believe Suzanne Somers or my OB/GYN? Who looks better? And do I get my cardiologist involved in this?? Do I try soy or yams or creams or nasal sprays or what? How do I get relief for hot flashes? The answer: you most likely won't. But look at it this way, you are sweating up a storm without having to exercise one bit.

#6 -- You have an excuse for every action for approximately 1-2 years. 5 pairs of identical shoes in different colors? Oh, shit. Hormones. (Never mind that you've been doing this for years -- you just won't have to hide it anymore). White Castle sliders with a Pepperidge Farm 7-layer chocolate cake chaser? Damn hormones. Downed a gallon of pre-mixed margaritas including Jose tequila? ooopppps....hormones again. Just out of control. Out of CONTROL!! But the increase in liquor tax income just might have your town name a newly built park in your honor.

#7 -- The inability to sleep has it's good points and bad. Late night cable has some interesting offerings, but you need to step away from info-mercials. Especially if you've just bought those 5 pairs of shoes and you have enough exercise equipment in your garage to start your own gym. But I've found that I can get lots of things done between 2-4 am when I'm not sleeping. The only problem is that I will catch up on those 2 hours during a meeting at work or during an evening PTA gathering. It's not good when you wake up with 20 sets of eyes looking at you and a spot of drool on your left shoulder. However, if you have no qualms with spitting out your personal problems, just shrug and say, "Hormones." No one will argue. The flip side is that I've seen every B film noir movie that was ever made in the history of film making.

#8 -- You may have what some refer to as "the crabbies", i.e. you are out of sorts, oversensitive, critical and your once long fuse is now about .5cm. However, how long have you been telling people to listen to you? How long have you been ignored, your requests for help disregarded, huffed at or had eyes rolled at you? Probably years, right? Well, look at it this way: you've warned them....and now you REALLY mean it.

#9 -- And here is the best benefit of all: You will no longer give a shit. Honestly. You won't. Science has proven it. Apparently, with the shift of hormones comes a shift in attitude. A vast number of menopausal women care less about what people think, are less bound to "the nesting instinct" and are more directed to find their own outlets outside of their homes and families.

So, enjoy these years. It's a lovely time to sit back and watch how you will turn out. After all, life is just beginning!


Melody said...

You're hilarious! I'm 39 and in full blown menopause thanks to early hysterectomy. My husband and I shave side-by-side in the a.m., I can't get lasik surgery because my eyes are too dry, can't see small print, people always ask, "are you okay?" because I flush at inappropriate times (even my ears get red!) Oh.....the joy!

Anonymous said...

Have I thanked you lately for going through all this before me? You've visited the other side and come back with your sense of humor in tact to report your findings. The thing of it is, though, you have convinced me I'm simply not going through menopause. I'm not. I won't. I refuse. Thank you for all your help as I came to this decision.


Blogaritaville, USA said...

That is quite possibly the funniest post I have ever read! Almost makes me look forward to menopause especially if I can have a park named after me!

JaniceNW said...

LMAO. How true. Even though I'm on non-cycling bc pills, I can relate to most of these. Jeezo I'm 45 and my face breaks out worse now than 30 years ago! And my chest and my so sucks.

I also have my integrated lenses as I'm now myopic, presybyopic and I have astigmatism. I need a 57 inch tv so I can actually read the stuff crawling across the bottom of the screen(scrawling stuff is a conspiracy by young technies to drive us old folks insane....).

As I'm back in college, you can bet my life is just beginning.

Lara Angelina said...

Atta girl -- back in school! If it was me, I'd have to find LARGE TYPE textbooks!!