Ain't Nothin' Like the Real Thing: Pop Culture

My 13 Favorite Classic Star Trek Episodes
(thank you to Goofy Girl for the great appropriate graphic!)

Oh sure, we could persue the usual loftier higher educational TT's....but why? I declare we need a mindless rundown of my favorite Classic Star Trek episodes.

As a preface, I was always a Kirk kind of gal. Spock was alien and distant, and Chekov was foreign with a bad wig, Sulu was just off in another universe, Scotty was always in the bowels of the ship and McCoy....well, he had his problems. But Kirk? Please. Overacted to perfection by hammy, campy, love him to death, Mr. William Shatner. (Shat to his friends). And you know, try as I might, I never got into the other Star Trek series. I saw a few of the Next Generation episodes and the characters were excellent, but I missed the campiness of 1960's experimental television! So without further ado, my fave 13 classics, not in any order.

#1 -- The Enemy Within. Oh, who could ask for more? Double the Shat as his personality is split into a "negative" dark, brutal, sexual side and a "positive" kind, reasonable, gentle side. The result? He couldn't be the great captain he is without his "negative" side, controlled by his "positive" side. Notable that Leonard Nimoy came up with the Vulcan Nerve Pinch to incapacitate his Captain, believing that the peace loving Vulvan would NEVER club his bud over the head.

#2 -- This Side of Paradise. The spotlight is on Spock in this episode. On a planet where the inhabitants are supposed to be dead from being bombarded by "Bertold Rays", they find a thriving community of LIVE people. The Secret? A plant that shoots spores over everyone, making everyone happy, happy, happy. Spock gets to kiss the girl this time after being spored upon....but everyone is brought down eventually to the baneness of reality by Kirk, who figures out how to "knock those spores right out of his hair".

#3 -- Turnabout Intruder. Notable as the last episode filmed in the series, #79, it is a real hoot! What a better way to end a show that would live in the hearts of millions for decades than by having Shat play Kirk whose body has been inhabited by a vengeful, spiteful ex-lover? Oh, a tour de force for Mr. Shatner!

#4 -- Amok Time. Spock hears the Vulcan mating call and Kirk breaks all kinds of rules from here to Sunday to get his First Officer back home and laid. Something he understands completely and deeply. In the ensuing drama, Kirk appears "killed" by Spock and when Spock realizes his beloved Captain is indeed still alive, we see a burst of grins from the somber Vulcan. Maybe he was just happy he didn't have to go to military prison.

#5 -- Elaan from Troyius. One of the all time best implied "they just had sex" scenes in 1960's television history...one I didn't understand until I was older. But Kirk has been sort of drugged by this female Ruler Elaan whom he is supposed to be taking to another planet for her wedding to an enemy of her people. In effect, she is a live sacrificial olive branch. Anyway, as she as put a "spell" on him of sorts, there's a lot of hot passion. In one great scene, Uhura is trying to page Kirk. Over and over with no answer. Finally he gets on the speaker. He is sitting on the edge of Elaan's bed, putting his boots back on. Priceless.

#6 -- A Rose by Any Other Name. Kirk (and Shat) at their best. He's got to seduce this alien woman in order to distract her by messing with her unrealized emotions. The main crew must do this to all the aliens on board in order to get control back of the ship. However, Scotty has the primo line. He is trying to get one of the aliens drunk. He's tried Sorian Brandy and a bottle of his prized aged Scottish Whiskey and has kept up, drink for drink with the alien. The alien asks for more booze. Scotty pulls something out of a cabinet. The alien askes him what it is. Scotty looks at it and shrugs as he starts pouring. "It's green," he answers him.

#7 -- City on the Edge of Forever. Shat and Joan Collins fall in love when Kirk, Spock and McCoy are sent back in time to the 1920 - 1930's. Of course she dies. Any woman who falls in love with him either dies or is left in the lurch somehow. However, this episode has always been a major fave of most trekkers. It was written by sci-fi great Harlan Ellison, who won the Hugo Award for best writing for it.

#8 -- Paradise Syndrome. Kirk gets separated from his crew and that always spells trouble. He gets amnesia this time after being squirted by some rays and wakes up in the midst of a tribe of American Indians -- planted on another planet -- on another universe -- by somebody. He becomes their "god" of course, marries and his wife becomes pregnant with his child -- which has TV death written all over it. Yeah, his crew finds him, he snaps to after a Vulcan mind meld, the wife dies and he maintains his title of "god" as he returns to his ship. He looked good in the Indian head dress tho.

#9 -- The Man Trap. It's a good story, of course....but the crowning glory of this episode is the introduction of the Salt Vampire. It can take any form, man, woman, whomever you want it to be....and it kills you by sucking out all the salt in your body. McCoy imagines he sees his long lost love and falls in love with it -- which leads to my earlier notation that McCoy had "problems". Anyway, the Salt Vampire, "the last of it's kind", is killed on board. Just like all things that are not approved by Star Fleet's Human Board of Directors.

#10 -- Miri. Probably one of my very favorites about the main crew exploring a planet populated only by kids after a bad virus created by the adults killed them all off. They had been looking for anti-aging pills. The adults died quickly, but the kids remained and aged only a month for every 100 years of living. Eventually, Kirk and crew start getting the virus that killed the adults so it's race against time to save themselves and the kids. Great Shat line: He's trying to round up the kids, who have become like wild little animals. They are shouting nah-nah-nah-nah-nah and when he talks they all say blah, blah, blah. However, ever the Alpha Male, Kirk screams back at them: "NO BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!!!" A perfect moment in cimematic history.

#11 -- The Mark of Gideon. A planet has cured all disease but is overpopulated to the nth degree. They kidnap Kirk to steal his blood, which has a rare virus that they wish to introduce into their society to naturally select some people to die off. Anyway, the Main Cheese's daughter sacrifices herself and wants to die to give people hope that they too, can take a trip to the afterlife. But Kirk and she have fallen in love and he wants to save her by having McCoy inject her with the cure. Yes, she lives. Yes, they break up. It's Star Trek for heaven's sake, but not before The Main Cheese calls up Kirk to tell him to stop trying to save his daughter. That he KNOWS they had "fallen in love" (60's euphanism for 'had sex') to which Kirk replies that what had happened between the two of them was PRIVATE (even tho there is a possibility that due to overcrowding it was witnessed by a crowd of about 25,000). Notable that the daughter's costume (and some of those costumes were pretty flimsy), was part of the Star Trek exhibit at the Smithsonian.

#12 -- Mirror, Mirror. Oh, I love these. Twice the Shat as he and the other main crew members cross over into some parallel universe, where Bad Kirk, Bad McCoy and Bad other crew members were going about their lives until they got transported onto the Good Ship Enterprise at the same time. Oh, it all gets sorted out, but Good Kirk on the Bad ship meets one hot woman, who, of course has to stay behind. These are the STAR TREK RULES: #1 -- characters in red shirts die; and #2 -- no love interest of Kirk's lasts longer than 53 minutes.

#13 -- The Trouble with Tribbles. Little furry hairballs take over the Enterprise. They like humans and Vulcans, but NOT Klingons. One of the funniest episodes and a great Kirk quote (as he watches the Tribbles multiplying quicker than plankton and are laying about everywhere). Uhura tells Kirk that the tribbles only give us love (as he asks her to "get those things off the bridge"), "Yes, Lt., but too much of anything...even love...is not necessarily a good thing."

There you have it. There are more great episodes and great lines of course, but I pulled these off the top of my head.

Now there's a scary thought.....

...I Would Run Away With and Why. Perhaps the WHY part is more important here? And let me know of any similarities you see in my picks. It'll help me when I place my wish list on match.com. (Note to Sam: just kidding, honey!)

1. Robert Redford. Sure, you're thinking it's because of that still perfect head of hair. But no (well, maybe a little). It's because of Sundance...the film festival and all that beautiful land in Utah we could explore! With any luck, they'd never find us.

2. William Shatner. C'mon. Who laughs at himself better than the Negotiator? And truth be told, I've been a Shat-nerd since that Captain James Tiberius Kirk thing, but the Shat of the new millenium is funnier than hell. And funny is so attractive.

3. Tommy Lee Jones. It's that rugged man's man thing -- strong, street smart, totally confident, comfy in his own skin. So sexy. Someone to watch over me....and I wouldn't have to hold in my stomach.

4. Johnny Depp. Because one minute you'd be sleeping next to the man in Chocolat and the next that murderous singing barber, Sweeny Todd. Would definitely keep you on your toes. And then there's those deep, dark, expressive EYES. Whew.

5. Tom Selleck. The epitome of Tall, Dark and Handsome. And smart. Looks good in Hawaiian shirts. Could probably hold up the end of the car with one hand while changing the tire with the other. Or...maybe just hire someone to do the job while he kisses you up against that red ferrari (that's where the smarts come in).

6. Barry Manilow. Besides those magnificent piano playin' hands, he could wake you up by singing a love song he composed for you overnight. He's Type A and doesn't sleep anyway. Music and passion, honey, music and passion. It's that illusion of creative vulnerability -- and I fall for it every time.

7. David Duchovny. Great ass and poster man for the saying, "Smart is Sexy". All he would have to do is punch out a couple of those dry "Mulderisms" and I'd be a goner. (Altho Anne and I have debated if we should run away with the WRITER who WROTE the line, or Duchovny who interpreted and delivered the line....hmmm? Silence to those of you suggesting a menage a trois. I'm a one-man-at-a-time woman.)

8. Matthew Perry. I can't explain it. All I can say is "we love whom we love". He's like a stranded kitten and I couldn't resist him with wild horses dragging me the other way.

9. Hugh Grant. It's the whole package....the accent, the British-ness of him. All those feelings behind that stoic British exterior all saved up just for little ol' me. I feel I'm up to the challenge.

10. David Steinberg. I've loved him since the 1970's. He's been a stand up comedian, a director, a writer, an author and a talk show host. Funny, brilliant and so handsome. And since he was studying theology before he went into show business, my walking Old Testament. Who could resist a Moses joke?

11. Dick Cavett. A Yale graduated brainiac with a great sense of humor, I've adored him forever too. Anyone who can comfortably interview the likes of Janis Joplin, Truman Capote, Katherine Hepburn, John Lennon and hold his own with Groucho is someone I want to be with. I'd be a walk in the park next to the likes of them and I could talk all day without complaint.

12. John Cleese. I could listen to him talk for hours. Funny, smart, talented, saavy and kenetic...in a great package. Besides, he cleans up so well as a woman! And who could not love the man who portrayed the head of the "Ministry of Silly Walks", Basil Fawlty, and who blurted out, "I fart in your general direction" on the big screen?

13. Morgan Freeman. Strong, smart, totally sexy...I would follow him anywhere and not worry about a thing. Ever. He's one of those men that gives you the impression that if he says he loves you, he LOVES you...and that's that. You'd never have one moment of doubt. ahhh.....security.

And because I need someone UNDER 40 (and found this absolutely gorgeous picture of Leo):

14. Leonardo DiCaprio. Every movie he's in, I like him more and more and respect his talent more and more. Besides, he a staunch environmentalist ala Redford. So more and more I think I could run off with him and not look back. (As long we don't go by ship).