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I grew up on George Carlin and I always admired his wit, his quick humor...the way he looked at things. He was probably one of the first smart-asses I ever saw. Smart asses who made you think. As such, he is of course, my hero.
I had to take time to remember him in my own way. So here, for the first time, Lara Lampoon's George Carlin's "The Seven Words You Can Not Say on Television".
Now there are alot of words you can not say on television. I remember the aghast gasps in the 1970's when "All in the Family" introduced us to the sound of a toilet flushing in the background and the word "pregnant". Before that, it simply wasn't done. Times have changed, but as Carlin's 7 words have remained a staple of the "you STILL can't say these words on television", the words I will submit to you have consistently been Kingpins of the Female No-Fly Buzzword Zone since the beginnings of organized speech.
I present to you: the Seven Words You Can Not Say to a Woman...and Survive.
1. Weight
2. Teenagers
3. Libido
4. Sleep
5. Money
6. Menopause
7. Housework
Even READING these words raised the hairs on your necks, didn't it??
I don't believe I need to explain the meaning of any of these words to a fellow female over a certain age. They are already trying to shake off seeing the list in print and may even be washing their eyes out.
For those of you who don't quite "get" the list, well, if you're a woman, I can tell you that eventually, you will. If you are a man, I am gifting you some practical advice that will more than likely save you over and over.
Don't ever say anything even remotely associated with these words to ANY woman, even if you suspect she wouldn't understand. I guarantee you, if you don't practice not saying them now, they could potentially spill out at the most unopportune moment and put your life at risk. Trust me. I work for doctors.
So go forth, ye fellow humans, armed with this knowledge...for knowledge is power. George would be proud.
Friday, July 4, 2008
The Seven Words...
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Welcome Home
Is there anything nicer than coming home to a clean, organized, lovely kitchen? Doesn't it just beg for you to sit down with a nice cup of tea, maybe browse the mail, perhaps start a light supper of pasta with fresh basil and mozzarella? Perhaps with a glass of a delightful pinot noir? Hmmmm. Welcome home, honey.
My point? I have no idea what that would feel like. I just happened to take a look at my kitchen cabinets and noticed peanut butter (Sean), blue food coloring (Erin), and dribbles of chocolate syrup (either one) on the doors. Don't ask me why. And for some reason, an ant colony has taken over my kitchen counter plant. I CAN NOT kill the plant. CAN NOT. It's been in my family for like 25 years and refuses to die no matter how not-green my family thumbs are. The cats have knocked over their food dishes and Mena has started this "thing" of dipping over the water bowl. I don't know. It's hot...maybe she's trying to bathe. I just don't know. I simply don't know how this shit happens.
I clean. I dust and wax and polish and shine and vacuum and organize and swish and swirl and throw crap out (usually when the moon is full, Pluto is in the House of Saturn and Jupiter's spot is a lovely shade of burgundy). BUT, even when NO ONE IS HOME, it gets totally wrecked. Yes, Mena digs dirty socks out of the laundry basket and carries them all over the house like they are her kittens. Sure, Hurricane Erin strikes. Sure, sometimes the laundry piles up, the recycling poureth over, I have ring around the tub and sage brush rolling down the hallway. AND no, I don't always get to the dinner dishes, but for heaven's sake...peanut butter, blue food coloring and chocolate syrup?
How long has it been there? What if it's been there for like YEARS and I never noticed it? OMG -- I'm NOT June Cleaver!
It's been a terrible truth I've struggled not to face. But there it is. Out in the open. I believe I'm a disorganized clutterbug who does not pay attention to anything related to housework. I had company over the weekend, and Erin and I cleaned up (sorta) after they left. When Sam came over, I was fairly proud that there was even a path thru the livingroom. I told him that we had cleaned up after the company left....that the livingroom had been the housing unit for the visiting kids. He said, and I quote, "This is clean??"
He should have seen it BEFORE I spent 2 hours digging out.
With this recent realization of my affliction and my poor attempts at problem solving, I have now spent just as much money on books about home organization as I have on books about dieting.
But I'm trying to kick the habit. (It has been noted that if I spent my time organizing and cleaning as opposed to reading books about organizing and cleaning, that I'd not be in the mess I'm currently in....). I'm going to LOVE my mess. I'm going to embrace the Slob Factor that has been passed down from me to my children.
And I'm gonna start making those cats earn their keep by doing at least a couple loads of laundry a week.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Chez Harrison
A dear friend is coming to visit who has never been in my neck of the midwest. She offered to stay in a hotel...you know, the Ritz Carlton, the Hilton, the Hyatt....but, ala William Shatner, I said, "You could......BUT WHY?" The Chez Harrison can offer you accomodations and amenities that you CLEARLY can not get anywhere else, even at a 5-Star hotel. I told her this....and emphatically stated she absolutely cannot enjoy the sheer class of Chicago unless she stays at my bed-and-sometimes-breakfast.
For starters...see the above picture? The serene colors, comforting furniture, the neat, open and airy rooms? Well, my place doesn't look anything like that at all.
However, here at the Chez Harrison, we offer so much more! For instance -- luxurious surroundings: a double wide driveway, shared with the cranky 90 year old neighbor and his 40-something "housemate" who gets arrested every month or so for treating him like an old shoe. Also, on the other side, separated, unfortunately by a big brown fence, is the neighborhood junk collector, who at last count, has about 75 old, unused lawn mowers in his back yard. Lucky for us, he and my 90 year old neighbor are brothers who hate each other. Excitement abounds in this fast-paced geriatric triad.
What else at Chez Harrison? Exquisite cuisine. Unsurpassed in fast food heaven. We have: Subway, McDonald's, Burger King, Taco Bell, 35 pizza places within walking distance, about 7 Starbucks and 5 bagel joints. Delivery is always an option at our establishment, as I am registered with each and every one of them and taste-tested all the options for my guests' comfort. And please, it goes without saying, an abundance of liquor stores that can satisfy your every alcohol fueled whim.
Still having trouble deciding? Well, how about THIS for the clincher? An all exclusive, magnificent collection of stray cats, coming from as far as the inner city, Wisconsin and County Animal Control (when I couldn't control myself) to cover you and your possessions with an array of cat hair from gold to white to black. Depending on the length of your stay, you may have enough for a fur-friendly winter coat.
I cannot see WHY Chez Harrison wouldn't be your choice to pull up some lumber, throw your luggage down and take a load off.
However, a disclaimer if you will....Chez Harrison is also permanent residence of Hurricane Erin, who no matter what the season, is always active. You never know when she will strike, leaving the living room in a state of emergency. Forewarned is fair play. Should Hurricane Erin strike, it is the option of the owner to stay with you in whatever hotel you escape to.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Love and Fur
I have literally NO time on my hands, between the merger my office is going through, school ending and accompanying my son to traffic court, but tonight is unusual in that the only living beings in the house are me and the cats, Mouse, Kalli and Mena. Daughter is staying overnight at her dad's (which happens about 4 times a year) and Son is at an all night bon-fire with several school mates (fortunately, it's close to home and I'm a light sleeper -- when I hear the fire engines roaring by, I'll know exactly where they are going). However, I thought I'd take a moment to salute my silent partners, those whose company I have come to need almost as much as air.
I've always had cats, mostly because I grew up in an apartment. Where I am now is the only HOUSE I've ever lived in that I remember. But growing up, being an only child living in an apartment, it was a cat or nothing. So I became a cat person.
I've heard that cats are independent and stand-offish and only come around when they are hungry or want affection. In other words, they make the rules. However, I don't find that necessarily true (except for Mena, who can be a 25 pound force all her own). Mouse and Kalli can have full tummies and still manage to crowd me whether I'm on the couch or sitting at the table or reading in bed. They are very offended and put off if I have to get up to do something. They follow me to see what is so important that I needed to disturb them -- going so far as to accompany me into the bathroom. They will sometimes sit outside the door and wait, but that is a rare occurance. They must think I am going to do something absolutely riveting in that room....which they must not miss for all the catnip in China.
But as my house is uncommonly quiet right now, I find the Triad of Furballs quite comforting. Kalli remains on my left, Mena at my right, and Mouse at my feet, although Mena and Mouse change spots frequently. Kalli, however, is my citadel. Always stationed at my left, either paws in or paws out.
I've said before that I carry the devotion of all my pets with me, and I do. For all the hairballs I've cleaned up, for all the vet visits, for all the expensive food I've needed to buy, for all the litter pans I've scooped, for all the times I've cried when I've had to watch one get old and die, I wouldn't give it up for anything. The love of a pet cannot be explained, either from the furry view or the human view. All I know is....I'm a better person for the animals I've cared for and they have taught me amazing lessons on unconditional love and unwavering devotion.
Here's to all the furry, feathered, scaled friends that make our lives richer.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Gimme Shelter
"If I don't get some shelter, I'm gonna fade away."
Thank you Rolling Stones.
I know I haven't posted in awhile. It seems that life totally got away from me over the last few months. We've all suffered from the flu and colds, I got a promotion at work -- our small OB/GYN practice is joining a very large ultra-mega-medical conglomerate. It's been interesting to say the least.
I feel overwhelmed and defeated by housework. Seems I just can't concentrate on work and the kids and keep the house clean and lawn mowed. Plus, the ex, WAM, has decided to take me to court in a week to adjust child support. Which is fine. Sean is going to be 18, so that's understandable. But I still insist on WAM splitting medical bills, which can be considerable because Sean has asthma and is on medication for generalized anxiety disorder. As long as Sean as in school, I think WAM should help pay, but who knows. Maybe the judge will think I take that money and buy Anne Klein clothes. I guess I'll just have to let him have a look in my closet!!
Court and I don't get along. I was only in court once....to get divorced....and all I remember is shaking and crying. I'm much stronger now (thank you Anne, for reminding me) but court is still intimidating. Oh well, just another speed bump in my life.
Hope you are all doing well....hopefully will be back on more consistently again this summer. I miss reading all your great blogs!!
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Thursday Thirteen #31
Who I Wanted To Be When I Grew Up
We all dreamed about what we wanted to do and who we wanted to be when we grew up. Here's 13 people I wanted to be that I remember -- I'm sure there's many, many more that I forgot!
1. A writer (was always #1!)
2. A doctor
3. A vet
4. A professional singer
5. A television/movie star
6. Mrs. George Harrison
7. Manager of a band
8. A fashion designer
9. Editor of a teen magazine (so I could meet David/Shaun Cassidy, Bobby Sherman, Michael Cole and just for Anne: Sajid Khan)
10. Professional photographer like Scavullo or Annie Liebovitz
11. A trailblazer like Gloria Steinem
12. A total genius like Stephen Hawking
13. A scientist like Marie Curie
Who did you want to be??
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Thursday Thirteen #30 A Hard Day's Night!
13 Great Lines from A Hard Day's Night!
Unless you are a die-hard Beatle-maniac, some of these might not seem familiar. But any Beatle fan will absolutely smile with recognition if you dish out any of these delicious one liners or luscious dialogues!
1. Paul, describing his grandfather: "He's very.......clean."
2. John, after listening to the stuffy show director who's going on and on: "I could listen to him for hours."
3. John to his manager, Norm: "You couldn't get a pen in your foot, you swine."
4. Ringo: "Any of you put a man in the cupboard?"
John: "Don't be soft"
George (checking closet): "He's right you know."
John: "Well, there you go."
5. Paul's grandfather to a buxom blonde: "I bet you're a great swimmer."
6. George showing Shake how to use a razor and shaving cream: "Put your tongue away. It looks disgustin' hangin' there all pink and naked. One slip of the razor and ....."
7. Interviewer: "And how did you find America?"
John: "Turn left at Greenland."
8. Paul, to every interviewer who asks him anything: "No actually, we're just good friends."
9. George, to a production assistant who was rebuffed after tapping on Ringo's drums: "He's very fussy about his drums you know. They loom large in his legend."
10. Woman, claiming John looks like "The Famous John Lennon", and John denying it: "You don't look like him at all......"
John, hurt, to himself: "She looks more like him than I do."
11. John (to a tailor holding up a measuring tape as John cuts it in half): "I now declare this bridge open."
12. Ringo to Paul's Grandfather: "I never really thought about it before....but being middle-aged takes up all your time, doesn't it?"
13. George: "Oh, that posh girl who gets everything wrong? We frequently sit 'round the television and watch her for a giggle. Once we wrote these letters saying how giddy she was and all that rubbish."
Promoter: "She's a trend-setter."
George: "She's a drag. A well-known drag. We turn the sound down on her and say rude things."
Many thanks to Alun Owen for a great screenplay which has held up really well over all these years. It was very hard just to pick out just 13 -- afterall, A Hard Day's Night is when we first heard the word "grotty" (for grotesque), which George had an incredibly hard time saying without laughing. Also, trivia buffs, in the concert footage filmed at the end, a very young future famous musician is seating near the back. His name is Phil Collins.
