My DSS (Dear Sweet Sam) works with a man named Harry, who has come up with a fool proof method for surviving in this economic environment.
He makes about $75,000 a year. He lives with his girlfriend and her daughter in a condo. He has nasty debt from gambling and a court order making him pay back $25,000 to a women he dated, dumped and never looked back at. But Mr. Judge said, "Pay Back Time". Harry thought, "Bitch."
But Harry has had it. Poor Harry. Struggling to pay off gambling debts and the "bitch" he borrowed money from -- for damn's sake, he had to get a second job! It's too much. And the girlfriend he lives with? She can't hold a job if her life depended on it!!
So what has he decided to do?
Just stop paying his mortgage. It's now barely worth what he bought it for anyway...and well, what the hell. He figures he can save 6 months worth of mortgage payments before the bank repossesses and he can take the money and whittle down his gambling debts -- and hide some money under the girlfriend's name. Then he'll file for bankruptcy, get off the hook, get help from the government and start all over. Never mind those people who honestly, truly need the help.
Makes you want to puke, doesn't it?
Friday, March 13, 2009
This is His Idea
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Olympics for the New Millenium
The Olympics have started and while totally amazing, I definitely feel that something is missing this time around. This kept me up thinking all last night, I think I have figured out what it is and have taken steps to correct it.
You know how there’s the Regular Olympics and the Winter Olympics and the Summer Olympics and the Special Olympics? Well, premiering this year: The Mid-Life Crisis Olympics. (Check your local listings for events and times.) You will witness some of the finest in: Hot Flashes, Acne Breakouts, Crying Jags and the final heat in the Female Non-Genetic Induced Hair Loss Race. There will also be, for the first time, co-ed events such as Buying an Expensive Convertible Sports Car With No Credit, followed by dual heat of The Rush for HRT for Women, and the Rush for Viagra for Men, culminating in the Search for Inappropriate Dating Partners While Hiding It From Your Current Partner. All of this is available for any athlete over the age of 50.
Also this year, we will introduce our new division of Plastic Surgery, which will pit man against the knife. It will take incredible strength to decide how much goes, how much stays. There's the battle with self and the battle with the plastic surgeon -- mano y mano. Surely here, we will definitely feel the agony of defeat when eyebrows are permanently fixed in the unnatural Joan Crawford style, belly buttons are lost or off center after replacement after a tummy tuck, the occasional liposuctioning of the wrong part of the body or a breast implant blowout. It surely will be an eye-opener for both the audience, the participants AND the surgeons. Medals in this event are indeed given to the winners, even though they will look great and not give a shit. Losers in this event will receive the business cards of local attorneys, who will secure nice retirement packages via malpractice litigation.
We will also feature the usual events: Self Loathing, Self Flogging, Hormone Induced Panic Attacks and new this year: The Depression Inspired Couch-Sit With Flat Affect. We have thousands who have trained YEARS just for this very event.
It should be really exciting. Please tune in for the "MidLife Crisis Olympics" brought to you buy Fleets Enema (High Colonics for the Higher Ups); Lipitor (When the Sludge Builds Up, We'll Be There), and the makers of Xanax (Get Hooked and Not Care About ANYTHING Again). Rolling out their new campaign is the Clearasil Company, ("You Thought You Were Done With Us, But You Were SO Wrong!!") featuring a mother trying to bribe her 16 year old clear-skinned daughter into buying a tube for her at the drugstore! Even Don Draper would be proud of this award winner!
So tune in -- a good time is guaranteed for all.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Thursday Thirteen #24
13 Things for your To-Do List (according to an "Oprah-like" magazine):
This sort of cracked me up. I mean NONE of this crap is on my to-do list. I have stuff like, for instance: #3: Clean the litter pans; #5: get the green, gloopy, gooey old laundry soap out of the washer dispenser; #8: Change the vacuum cleaner bag; and #10: remember to feed the kids.
But here is the list from a magazine which hints that following its lead will result in a life to be lived:
#1 -- Dare to Dream. (I do dare, but I still end up having nightmares.)
#2 -- Set your alarm 30 minutes earlier and go for a walk. (Very good idea. Especially when there's 15 feet of snow, it's -2 degrees and the wind chill is about 40 below zero. That'll wake you up...or kill you.)
#3 -- Take a new way home from work. (I do this anyway to avoid the car accidents. Even though the roads are covered in snow and black ice, people still drive like it's June.)
#4 -- Go dancing. (um....hahahahahah! Ever see what happens to an ankle in stilettos on a nice ice-slide?)
#5 -- Turn off the TV (Another good idea except that the TV generates heat and my gas bill is lower if I keep it on.)
#6 -- Deliver cookies to your neighbors. (I would except between December and April, I'm not sure I have any neighbors.)
#7 -- Choose happiness. (Ok)
#8 -- Reward yourself for something you haven't done (I haven't mowed the lawn since October. Of course, I haven't HAD a lawn since October. So does that count?)
#9 -- Get away for the weekend. (These people don't have teenagers....)
#10 -- Rearrange your living room. (Why? To expose all the places covered in cat hair that I haven't vacuumed?)
#11 -- Stand up straight. (They haven't seen my post about sciatica apparently).
#12 -- Go scuba diving. Star in a play. Write a book. (All at once? Aren't I under enough pressure?)
#13 -- In a small notebook, write out 5 things you are grateful for. (I'm grateful for alot of things in winter...but mainly having a warm house, enough food and my kids and cats to keep me company as we slowly go insane from lack of sunlight.)
Sunday, December 30, 2007
My Bad
I've discovered an absolutely horrifying thing. Horrifying to the point of speechlessness (which is a biggie for me). If I spent as much time exercising, preparing my meals and planning my diet as I do blogging, checking emails, working on my Thursday Thirteen meme, and researching stuff for no reason on the internet, do you know I'd have NO WEIGHT ISSUES?
I realized this at 2am last night. I was working on a particularly visual TT for next week which required I do some serious internet hopping. I messed with it for like hours. Happy hours, mind you, but HOURS none-the-less.
It reminds me of a conversation I had with one of the doctors I work for. Seems he told a woman she needed a special test that insurance didn't pay for. It was $55.00. She balked. She hemmed and hawed. Said she would think about it. She wanted to discuss it with her husband and and and......
However, we decided that if he told that woman there was a special down the street -- manicure/pedicure for $55.00 -- she'd be gone so fast there would be dust in her wake.
I am currently at a deadend to explain this as I am just as guilty.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
So Where Have You Been?
I don't know. Going crazy. Since Thanksgiving, I guess I've been overwhelmed. I could beat myself up good and proper now, but that would only add to my list of things to do.
My house is a wreck. I still have Halloween decorations up. I do believe Christmas is around the corner and is blipping on my radar.
Oh well. It'll get done. Somehow. Usually does.
Aren't you glad you stopped by????
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Thursday Thirteen -- #13!!
I stumbled across this little quiz and the results shocked me. I was sure they were going to refer me to Bellevue. Like NOW.
There's a 58% Chance That You Need Therapy |
 If you think you need therapy, you probably do. But there's a good chance you don't. Like everyone else, you have your fair share of problems. And unlike most people, you're fairly good at solving them yourself. |
So here are 13 Quotes that Explain Me:
1. I never learn. Never. This quote was attributed to Einstein but it was really someone else whom I've forgotten: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." That's me.
2. "I do all the wrong things well." Mary Todd Lincoln. You name it. If it's the wrong thing to do at the wrong time, I'm there.
3. "I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it." Garrison Keillor. Oh, absolutely. Fantasy is a much better option than reality!
4. "Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid." Heinrich Heine. Whew....I thought I was insane ALL the time.
5. "The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity."
Harlan Ellison. This makes me feel like I make a difference.
6. "There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."
Oscar Levant. Oscar, Oscar....you and me both, hun....only I have no genius.
7. "A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." Herm Albright. My daily mantra.
8. "Stupid is forever, ignorance can be fixed." Don Wood. Thank heavens something I'm good at will last forever....
9. "My whole career can be summed up with 'Ignorance is bliss.' When you do not know better, you do not really worry about failing." Jeff Foxworthy. Fantasy comes in handy here too. If you are off in La-la land you NEVER fail and you ALWAYS get the guy.
10. "You can't fix stupid." Ron White. This makes me sleep better at night.
11. "Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong." Oscar Wilde. Yes, because it means I've possibly slipped into normalcy -- and we can't have that.
12. "Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250." Harper's Index, October 1989. Just some info I thought you'd need in case you were having a bad day and needed the right amount of chocolate to fire up those insanity synapses.
13. "If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt." Dean Martin. I know. What's it got to do with anything unless you golf, but a quote page without something from the Rat Pack is a page wasted.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
You Knew I Couldn't Let It Pass...
As I am frequently my own straight man, I must expound on my previous post introducing you to "The Depression Channel", number 1313 on your 10,000 channel satelite dish.
Monday's Lineup:
"Wheel of Mis-Fortune" spin the wheel and land on a diagnosis -- then try to decipher the recommended anti-psychotic med up on the board! Wynona Rider stars in the Vanna White role!
"Late Nights with Larry King" See the step by step progression of dementia.
"Malcolm at the End of His Rope"
"Full House of People on the Edge"
"Survivor....or Maybe Not"
"Getting to Know You: The Fun Side of Charles Manson"
Tuesday's Lineup:
All shows previously run on Court TV or anything produced and narrated by Bill Kurtis. If time allows, a possible preview of a new movie for our viewers: "Eyes Wide Shut", which stars Tom Cruise, producer of a new series on our channel: "Post Partum Depression - Answers for New Moms."
Wednesday's Listings:
Literary Night:
"Alister Cook Reads" Tonight: The Bell Jar.
"William Shatner Reads" Tonight: The Biography of Vincent...Van...Gogh.
Thursday's listings:
Movie madness: "Girl, Interrupted" "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" "The Frances Farmer Story", "Full Metal Jacket", "Secret Window" and "A Clockwork Orange".
Friday's line up:
Documentary Night
"Meds and You...and You....and You" New help for schizophrenics.
The Hand Washer's Companion: which soaps don't chafe, which lotions FEEL like soap, but will make hands soft and smooth, and an interactive live discussion entitled "To Towel or Not to Towel?"
Rubber-Necker's Quarterly: Agoraphobics learn the tricks of the neighborhood spying game. Includes step by step instructions on how to listen in on neighbors conversations while never leaving the comfort of your own home.
Home Security Innovations: Checking locks over and over? Introducing a revolutionary new system that lets you lie in bed and have a robot check your front door lock -- over and over and over while you relax in secure comfort. Robot runs on 24 hour battery with a back up for compulsive emergencies.
Satuday:
Biography: "The Really Forgotten Kennedy: Rosemary" Along with the preview of the newly found letter from Rose to Sr. Joseph Kennedy: "Dearest Husband, You took Rosemary out for ice cream a couple weeks ago and her bed doesn't seem to have been slept in. Do you know where she is? Possibly with her brother Jack in the hospital? I don't know. I haven't seen either of them in ages. Love, Rose. PS -- Is Jack still in the hospital?"
Background music provided by Warren Zevon's "You're Never Alone With A Schizophrenic".
Sunday:
The fun side of clinical depression with a looping of Monty Python's "Spot the Looney" sketch ALL DAY!
If nothing else, I made myself laugh.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
The State of Male
I have been reading that book about Abraham Lincoln by Doris Kearns Goodwin, “Team of Rivals”. Well, something struck a chord with me as I was reading.
Take this passage, written from one Senator to another: "your friendship crowds (my heart) producing a kind of girlish impatience which one can neither dispose of nor comfortably endure...every day and almost every hour since (leaving) I have suffered a womanish longing to see you. But all this is too ridiculous for the subject matter of a letter between two grave Senators and I'll leave unsaid three fourths of what I have been dreaming on since I left."
You would most likely never hear a heterosexual male speak or write to another heterosexual male in the 21st century in that fashion. Why? You tell me. Is it:
1. A newly ingrained, pervasive fear of intimacy
2. Concern for the appearance of their manhood with men and women
3. Fear of being labeled homosexual
4. Fear of their professed non-sexual love for another man being blasted on Jerry Springer by their significant other
5. A simple, natural progression of genetics
6. Fear of being the joke of the neighborhood when everyone finds out, which you know they will
7. Fear of being rejected by the other person
That letter was written only 150 years ago. Two generations. Could we have mutated that much in so little time? Maybe. Maybe not. So, it is genetics or fear or both?
Genetics gave us Gandhi and Adolf Hitler. Also allowed us to walk upright and have opposable thumbs, to be self aware and think outside our reality. It also produced cancer and AIDS. So is the "how 'bout those Bears?" males of the 21st century a good thing or a bad thing?
Is it fear? Well, fear is a universal. From animals to man. Fear is a probably the biggest motivator next to procreation. Fear has an incredible hold over people, from the sublime to the obvious. Since we now know what we can have, we also know what we can lose.
My friend Anne suggests that perhaps because these men sustained so many losses – the death of wives, children, parents -- they did not fear expressing their love for the people in their lives.
Maybe that has mutated into a 21st century fear of expressing yourself exactly for that reason. Why open your heart only to have them leave or reject you – or post your personal correspondence on the internet? Perhaps those men 150 years ago weren’t afraid of the pain of life – knew it was gonna happen one way or another – and why not just say what you want to say. You’re going to survive or not. Typhoid or tuberculosis killed at random – a simple cut could become infected and deadly. A sore throat could mean rheumatic fever and a shortened life span. I guess in the face of all that, saying “I love you” to your fellow man isn’t such a scary thing.
Of course, I could be full of shit, and men write to men like this all the time. And just like those gents 150 years ago, don't expect a Doris Kearns Goodwin to publish their intimate thoughts and letters for all to see and have some future blogger try to read more into it than is really there.
Thoughts?
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Life During Wartime
Yes. You know what I'm talking about. When your house is absolutely quaking with the ramifications of having children later in life: you hit menopause and they hit puberty AT THE SAME DAMN TIME. I should have married and had my kids by the time I married.
See these 2 happy kids? Of course they are not mine. Mine would be sharpening their fangs, growling, glaring, huffing, puffing, whining, rolling their red, evil eyes at me, all the while eating all the food in the house, using up all the cell phone minutes and monopolizing the computer as if they paid for it.
This is Ugly. Very, very ugly.
I can't see, am losing my hair, insane from lack of sleep, bargaining for the chocolate and sweating like an SOB.
I'm not sure I can verbalize any more on this subject.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Para-Noid
My little punky-mood should actually be "Paranoid", but I'm sick with the flu and that looms larger in my universe at the moment for several reasons, but first:
#1 -- I'm paranoid because I called in sick today at work. I mean I'm really home sick, even though it's Friday. Yes, I'm sitting here composing a post, but it's only because the drugs have kicked in and the Sudafed on top of Nyquil, on top of Advil has produced a nice rapid heartrate, and at the moment I feel like polishing each individual blade of grass in my front yard with Pledge to get that nice glossy carpet look (to match my nice, glossy eyes). Then I may wax the driveway, re-paper my kitchen drawers and purge the garage. Hopefully by noon. I know my co-workers are sitting around saying "sure...sure she's sick" even though they are all very nice, compassionate people who know I don't lie about stuff like that. I may begin to entertain the thought that Sudafed on top of Nyquil on top of Advil may produce other side effects besides psycho-energy.
Now, I must not be sick because:
#1 -- Everyone at work thinks I'm lying. Even though I'm not. Even though I really know they know I really am. (Someone decode that sentence and get back to me. Thank you.)
#2 -- It is my daughter's birthday party tonight. I have 14 people coming over for a BBQ. I do not wish to be sneezing all over their food, nor blabbering incoherent sentences before everyone else has had at least a couple of drinks under their belts. I may lay off the cold meds and just start drinking later. You know, just slip unnoticed into the jolly atmosphere, so to speak.
#3 -- my very nice significant other, Sam, has seen my post entitled "Surrounded by Assassins" and thought he had better take matters into his own hands before my brains start spilling out onto the floor. As it's my ex's weekend with the kids, Sam has booked us a hotel room for Saturday evening. No kids, no phones. I must not be sick. It really isn't attractive to have red, swollen eyes, a red, swollen nose and a cough that sounds like a Saint Bernard calling for lost skiers.
You can see my dilemma is multi-faceted, complicated and frustrating. I'm not sure what exactly will get me through today. And tomorrow and Sunday. Of course I could rest, drink lots of fluids, double up on Vitamin C, consume organic green tea with echinecea, perhaps try a mineral supplement with zinc, an extra multi, and Ricola all natural throat lozenges. I could. My paranoia and psycho-energy would probably stop if I went homeopathic. Hmmm.
Nah.
